Caught myself thinking of you -again. I cannot detail it, but it sure is not God-glorifying. It’s more like to satisfy my thirst for revenge and vindication. I’ve caught you lying through your teeth. I’ve records of stuff you said, which you deny saying when you are confronted. I believed you at first. But obviously, you were manipulating people to cover up your own faults. Why couldn’t you admit to yourself that you also made a mistake? I am not saying it was entirely your fault. Whatever happened, happened because you also had a part in it.
I have this little scene in my mind which keeps playing over and over. Murderer! Murderer! The Still Small Voice keeps rebuking me. Oh God, will you please help me deal with this? Untangle me from this evil state of mind. I want to end this. If it doesn’t, I’ll surely end up in jail. You know what they say about thoughts becoming actions.
Why am I so angry? So what if I get my revenge? So what if I get vindicated? Who get’s the glory?
Indeed, I have every right to be angry. You marred the name I carry with such honor. I don’t care much about money or things as much as I care about an honorable name. You destroyed my one source of pride. Then, the Still Small Voice counters “You are not your own.” Right. I should not be angry because I should have no pride to begin with? Fine…
If I get my revenge, will I be satisfied? Even if you get buried 6 feet below the ground, I could remain hateful and bitter. What do I gain in return? Why do I need vindication? Pride. Maybe I don’t really need to be vindicated. So what if I carry a marred name? Pride, still.
Sigh… I give up…
Lord, I give up my anger and my pride as its source. Help me to forgive others as You have forgiven me for the ugly things that You alone know about me. Help me to always remember how You gave up Your own life to redeem a despicable being like me. You have bought me with Your precious blood and indeed I am not my own. Please give me the strength to endure your purging and refining. Help me keep in mind that vengeance is Yours alone, and if I put things into my own hand, I will be hindering You from working in me and through me. Most importantly, such reckless behavior of mine will rob You of the glory that is rightfully Yours. Thank You for forgiving me, Heavenly Father.