I’m having a cup of warm chocolate at 1:52AM while looking out my balcony. Buildings, condominiums, and billboards everywhere. Another sleepless night… And then I hear one of your favorite songs streaming through the online radio. Just perfect.
Do you know how much I’ve been trying to extricate myself from everything that concerns you? It’s not that I don’t love you anymore. I mean I love you -you just have no idea. I love you more NOW than I first met you. I can’t deny this anymore. I tried. I tried so hard. I tried everything conventional and unconventional. Despite the fact that you walked out of my life, you’re still the one person in this world that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can still remember I said that while we were at the duyan. It’s maddening. I wish I could just shut down my Limbic system and not feel like this anymore.
Sigh… I’m obviously not good at things like these. You can just see how pathetic I am that I’m exhaling my thoughts through this poor blog. If you know how I feel, will our circumstances change? I don’t think so. You will still be somewhere half-way across the world -away from me. Secondly, you’d rather be alone like the dysmorphic Caroline. So there’s no point in talking to you about what I think or feel.
I’ve been trying so hard not to think of you or not to worry about what’s eating you. Where exactly in the world are you right now? Are you well? Are you still having insomnia? Are you still reading your Bible? Do you still go to church? Do you have a good circle of friends? Do you also think of me? I guess, no.
There’s no need to be worrying about you. You’ve been doing just fine living your life even before you met me, which also means you can live without me. You don’t really need me, and I should live with that. Yeah, it’s such a long time and I should give us -or should I say YOU -a rest.
I should try to go back to sleep now…